Emperor Ming of the planet Mongo, Ming the Merciless, has won the contest to succeed Charles Kennedy as leader of the Liberal Democrats, scooping 57% of votes in the final round of balloting, beating newcomer Chris Huhne and party president Simon Hughes in a three-horse race.

COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED – AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE

Ming the Merciless – 23,264
Chris Huhne – 16,691
Simon Hughes – 12,081

He told supporters: “Today’s a victory not for me but for all Liberal Democrats. We have confounded our critics who wrote us off”. In an exclusive interview with the Scar, the new leader put forward his plans for the future.

“You are doomed earthmen. Your puny planet will be reduced to a cinder. But first, as the new leader of the Liberal Democrats, I will be pressing the government to introduce free long term care for the elderly. It is a scandal in a modern democracy that people have to sell their homes to pay for proper long term care. Your cities will be destroyed and the human race will be made slaves to serve the mighty Emperor Ming. But, not before proportional representation is introduced in the UK to make general elections fairer”.

“Flash will not save you, this time, neither will Cillit Bang”.